First of all, how the hell is this guy a mystery man? How is that possible? You’re telling me in the last two years some guy has “dated” (polite word for put his penis in) two Hall of Fame smokes and he’s off the grid? It’s 2017, you can’t send a snapchat to your friends without immediately divulging your location and probably bank account information, but this man is anonymous? Not even Ted Danson anonymous, for real anonymous. That’s preposterous. He’s gotta be a spy or something. The Jason Bourne of fucking who shows up when a celebrity needs some lovin’ and then he disappears into the night until he sees the next Dickman symbol in the cloudy night sky.
Second, I’m so jealous of those Rihanna pictures. Not just because they’re with Rihanna, that goes without saying, but because the pool/ocean heavy makeout is a staple of summer. In fact it’s really when summer starts (I have not started summer). Memorial Day isn’t the kickoff, the first time you makeout with a chick in a body of water is. It’s both romantic and raw, passionate and primal, it’s just the fucking best. Shower hookups? Total bullshit. Water hookups? A summer necessity.